Fire Escape

Sometimes I think too much. But sometimes that thought has some legitimacy that should be shared.

I agonize over words. Which to use, when to use them. Interpretation is so diverse that original meaning means little in the end. Still, I love words. I love long, rambling words that seem precocious in this day and age. Words you may need a dictionary to understand and even then may not fully comprehend. I also like short words. Slang, new to the age. Adjectives should be adventurous and seldom repeated, though I'm guilty of favoring certain ones. I enjoy curse words. I like how we give power to certain words that are nothing more than a collection of letters and syllables, that, without that power we bestow upon them, would fall apart and rearrange to something harmless. Stringing words together can be both terrifying and enlightening, which is why I prefer to write them down rather than speak.

I love to ramble. Tangents are beautiful things; you can learn so much from them.

But people like concise statements nowadays. Concise can be nice (look at that rhyme!) and I do appreciate conciseness on places like Twitter. But I'm a rambler, which is why my posts never stop. And why I must take my ramblings to a blog. True, I could keep them in my head, but I like to share my thoughts, or at least keep a record of them. Memories are fleeting, sad but true. Try as you might, you'll never remember something exactly as it was for an extended period of time. We change our memories, embellish them. But I like having an original copy, so to speak, for posterity's sake.

I post a lot of information, pictures, and so forth online, which people may find narcissistic. While there's an element of that, I just sometimes want my life to be a somewhat open book, so the judgments people make are based in truth. I also love to learn about other people. So much can be gathered from people's writing, posts, pictures. I love it! Everyone is so different and intriguing. Everyone's life is beautiful in some way, even if it's a beautiful mess.

Often I speak in cliches. That's become a negative thing to do, but cliches can be fun to abuse. They're nonsense yet everyone understands! It's as though we all have a secret language, like those we made up as kids, a connection.

I miss being a child. Sometimes I still feel like one, but sometimes I feel centuries old. It's an odd feeling. It makes me want to believe in reincarnation. Yet I don't know if that need to believe is rooted in my desire to be important, magical and unique, or something more legitimate.

Being human bores me. I haven't given up on being something more, but part of me feels bad for condemning humanity as boring and unimportant. In reality humans are so much more than I give them credit for being, but few reach the potential they have, making humanity disappointing as a whole. A pessimistic view, yes, but that's how I see it. My childhood kind of messed me up in that respect. Messed me up in a good way, but still skewed my view of the world. I was raised playing with fairies and doing mathematics. An odd combination. That's why I'm equally right and left brained, which is nice, but everything conflicts in my mind.

I was born in a blizzard, brought a bracelet by the Ice Queen, causing me to live up to the nickname Ice Princess. I ventured through tunnels of snow in Connecticut, conversing with the ice giants, wind and wolves. In the Spring I played with the fairies in the front yard, adventured in the woods, hovered out of the attic contemplating what it would be like to fall and fly. Summer left me watching snails, hatching dragon eggs, visiting the Blue Fairy across the lake and picked up cicada exoskeletons. In Autumn I concocted potions, planted foam cows, and interacted with the ghosts that hung around my house. Year-round I was a cat and would play both CATS tapes simultaneously, dancing and howling along. Essentially, I never "outgrew" these things as they were, and still are, my reality.

Needless to say, normality is impossible. And really it seems pointless to try to blend into a mundane world when mine is so much more interesting. Yet the mathematical, logical portion of my brain forces me to make an attempt. Human interaction and understanding is necessary in life. Hermits rarely go far, after all.

Hm. This has taken an almost depressing turn. It's not meant to be sad, but tangents reveal multiple sides to a situation.

I am also a hypocrite. But there is little need to document this as I display hypocrisy daily.

I'm not sure what my original point was, but I've come to enjoy relating to people. I love having friends, but I'm still far too wary of relationships since normalcy escapes me. I worry what others think, that they may not stay if they come to know me truly. But in my hesitancy I lose the chance to become closer. It's frustrating when you realize a fault but don't know how to fix it. Slowly but surely I'm learning.

My personality is full of highs and lows. I either love something or hate it. I'm either in the best of moods or in the deepest depression. Moderation could be good, but you miss a lot without those highs and lows. Just an observation.

Well, this post has accomplished little, save for allowing me to ramble. But what else did you expect from a girl whose blog is entitled "Nonsensical Ramblings of a Would-Be Fairy"?

Out of My Winter Dreams

I'm ba-ack!
Five months or so since I've posted, shame on me. But I'll try to return to a somewhat normal update pattern!

First things first, let's catch up.

My life's been college, college, college lately. Freshman year has been busy! So far I've been cast in seven shows over the year and I have two left to perform. Most recently was Oklahoma! Up next are Hard Candy and Dance Research Project!

As for classes, I'm taking 19 credit hours plus auditing 5 extra hours of dance. Typical schedule is 8am-3pm class, rehearsal 5-7pm or so, occasional class or rehearsal 7:30-10pm.

Lately I'm had more time to spend with friends, which has been lovely. Hopefully Spring weather comes soon and I'll have even more time to play once my shows are over!

So there's the brief update. Ramblings to follow!

xo Fi

Rainy Days and Happiness

Today is one of those perfect rainy, grey autumn days that I absolutely adore. So far, my day and mood have matched the wonderful weather.
For the last hour I've been smiling nonstop and pleased with life, for today has been quite relaxing and a nice break from yesterday. Yesterday I left my dorm at 8:45am to walk up the hill for an hour of ballet, University Experience class, my one and only break for the day which I spent chatting with Jeremy Benton and eating lunch, Voice and Movement, modern dance, Peter Pan rehearsal, Zink rehearsal, Dance Project rehearsal, some Pilates and a masterclass. Then cue some relaxation with a delicious cup of caramel hot chocolate. Needless to say, as fun as yesterday was, it was exhausting. In contrast, today is the easiest day of my life. Women's studies was cancelled today (thank goodness, since I was essentially hyperventilating in the last class) so I only had two classes. I got my medications situated (over a week late, oops) so perhaps I'll feel 100% again, am on my third cup of green tea, and I'm finally wearing a gorgeous (albeit a tad slutty - especially for the weather) tight dress in peacock colors with green combat boots because for once I feel almost skinny enough to rock it. Oh and I haven't messed up my diet...yet *crosses fingers*. I feel in control once more and it's such a lovely feeling. In about an hour I'll leave for Zink rehearsal and then it's off to a surprise party for my friend's birthday. Perfect day.

On a side note, I still need to figure out a Halloween costume as I was just invited to a party on Saturday night. I think I'll probably try to be Artemis but barring that I haven't any ideas...

Now I am off to do some research about leukemia, perhaps make a hair bow as a present for my friend and then write for a bit.

xo F

These Hard Times

Today is Saturday of my fall break and unfortunately I only have one more day here at home. In 24 hours I'll be back at college, in rehearsal actually. And as the craziness that is my life has increased, my posts on this blog have decreased dramatically. As expected, really, but sad nonetheless.*

How things have changed since my last post! Well, kind of. Not really. I don't even know.
The thing that has changed is mainly how busy I am. I begin my weekdays at either 5:45am or 7:30am depending on whether I'm going to the gym or not. Classes begin between 9 and 9:30am and go nonstop until 1:45pm on Mondays, 2:10pm Tuesday/Thursday, 5pm Wednesday and 3:15pm Friday. Then I have rehearsals for the straight play (that I was cast as the lead in) from 5-7 or 6-8pm depending on whether I have rehearsals for another show from 5-6pm or after 7. Oh and sprinkle in rehearsals for a student choreographed dance show, though they're generally on weekends. And we mustn't forget that more auditions are coming up!
In that little free time I have, I go to the gym, workout in my dorm, EAT, do homework or catch up on TV shows and tumblr. But of course I don't think that's anywhere near enough to do, so I've added a few more challenges for myself:
1. I have languages to learn and practice. Spanish, French, Japanese and Chinese. These are what I will focus on now. Arabic and anything else can come later, but I think that four foreign languages are plenty for the moment, don't you? Spanish is practical, as is Chinese (particularly for an international business major). My school has a dual degree study abroad program in France that I'd love to do, so I need to learn French (plus it's pretty, duh). I've always wanted to learn Japanese and I'd love to study abroad there. Soooo. Four languages. Can do.
2. Books to read. Obviously this isn't a chore because I freaking love books, but I simply don't have the time! But I will make time because literature is so important. Currently on the "to read" list: Name of the Star (Maureen Johnson), finish Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children (Riggs), Leviathan (Westerfield), The Girl in the Steel Corset (???) and some other miscellaneous books I found at the half price book store.
3. Halloween is coming! I haven't many ideas but I'm definitely thinking of being Artemis or the TARDIS this year. Probably the former, as a greater number of people will understand that costume. Headed to Goodwill tomorrow to see what I can find.
4. Scholarships and internships and study abroad, oh my! Whatever shall I do with myself this summer and how shall I fund it?
5. Back to blogging and vlogging! I'm awful at keeping to "I'll do this every day for X amount of time," so I'm not setting parameters, but simply pledging to try to blog and vlog more.
6. Write some damn songs. I must finish the songs I have begun! Creativity, OCCUR.
7. Write some stories. And plays. Because there are so many ideas in my head and I just need to put them on paper.

Those are the tasks I am challenging myself with at the moment. Perhaps I will be successful in my endeavors. Most likely not, but perhaps. I want to be remarkable and to be remarkable, this extra effort is necessary.
On that note, I bid thee adieu.








*Not that many people actually read this, but I like to document my days. Then again, tumblr and twitter help with that.

What I'm Trying to Say

I'm about three weeks into college and while things are going alright, I'm in one of my mini-depressions that I can't seem to shake. What's sad is the contributing factors sound like such whiny teenage girl reasons, something I hate to emulate. Then again, the biggest problem is that I'm not a normal teenage girl. Now rest assured that I'm not confessing to you that I'm not human (at least not yet, anyway) or that I'm a superhero who is above other teenagers. I wish I was either of those options, but rather I'm just an odd little girl. I don't really click with my peer group. Never have, never will. And I enjoy being different most of the time, but in college it can be quite tiresome.
Number one, I don't look like everyone else. I look much younger and I don't have a face that is of a similar "beauty," at least not the beauty that people want in this day and age. I look more old school. My features are more classic, more quirk-ily placed. But most of all, I don't have the same style as everyone else. I dress oddly enough that people notice and the opinions on my fashion vary greatly.
Number two, the dating scene. I've only been asked out once, by a boy who was pretty much stalking me, so I don't really count it. Seeing as I've never been asked/never had a crush on anyone (besides famous British guys haha) I've never been on a date and never had my first kiss. This really wouldn't bother me except for two things: it makes shows where I'm supposed to be in love very awkward and forced and because everyone else my age has dated. As a perfectionist who wants to be the best at everything, it's very frustrating to know nothing of this dating world. It's also not helpful when professors and/or other students assume everyone in the class has dated. It makes you wonder why no one likes you. Are you ugly, fat, obnoxious, too smart, not smart enough, too weird? It's really quite annoying, seeing as I really don't need/want a boyfriend, but I'm still pulled into this cycle of self-doubt and depression.
Number three, being underestimated. More than anything, being underestimated frustrates me and ruins my self esteem. I'm not especially confident to begin with, but there are certain things I am aware of and proud of. For instance, I can dance. I am a dancer and I am a better dancer than many of the people at university with me, especially the musical theatre majors. I'm not trying to be cocky, it's just that due to my training and natural artistry, I can execute the moves better. There are other things I'm good at too, and I'm quickly becoming frustrated here because no one seems to recognize that I do have talent, I'm not a waste of space. I hear the upperclassmen saying nice things about my fellow freshman, Oh she's absolutely stunning, Oh she has the best voice, Wow she's an amazing dancer and they don't say a thing about me. Sometimes I just feel like I don't exist.
Number four, I'm not incredibly outgoing. I like to keep to myself at times. I'm not one for college parties. Give me a themed or costume party and I'll rock it out, but I don't drink, smoke or hook up, so at college parties all I do is watch everyone else do all those things. I also don't tend to like shows or activities that are popular. I much prefer to watch Doctor Who or read Harry Potter or the Hunger Games and contemplate the superb storylines and acting (if applicable) that they convey. Again, this all leads back to the fact that I'm not normal. I don't fit in.
Number five, I am self-concious to the zillionth degree. Right now I'm back in a state over my body. I have so much weight to lose and muscle to tone and the size of my stomach depresses me daily. But I don't want to slip back into eating disorder mode, nor do I want to give up dessert, so it's a never-ending battle between the two extremes. I count calories in my sleep now.
Number six, big city girl trapped in a small town. As soon as I graduate I am booking it to New York. Sooner if I could swing it. I need the big city life and I need to be surrounded by a diverse group of people. I've been fortunate enough to have a vast range of experiences throughout my life thus far, and through them I've met so many people and learned so much. But no one here knows that about me. They also don't know that I'm a pretty intelligent and academic person. They don't know how opinionated I am about so many things. But most of all, they don't seem to realize how much I know about the profession we're all aiming to go into. They don't understand the full scope of who and what is outside waiting for us once we graduate. You think you're good at what you do? Think again. There are a thousand+ people who are so much better. We all have to work our asses off if we want to hold a candle to them. And that doesn't only mean busting your butt in class, it means doing your research and staying in touch with the theatre world, finding obscure songs and shows, and doing whatever it takes outside of class and rehearsal to become the best that you can be.
I realize all that. And I'm hoping to take these four years to become undeniably amazing. I will succeed despite these six numbers (and the many more) that are bringing me down right now.
Still, sometimes you just have to sigh at your life and your emotions. And how foolish and self-obsessed you are. Guilty of it all.

And since I made you sit through that narcissistic post of my life, have a ridiculous picture of yours truly.

Skinny Love

I have a major issue with body image. I always have. And while I've never technically been anorexic for an extended period of time, I've thought about it and experimented with it on many an occasion.
Luckily I'm intelligent and lucid enough to realize that anorexia or any type of eating disorder isn't a solution, healthy eating is, so I go on health kicks a few times a year. Presently I'm in one such health kick, but I'm hoping to make it a habit instead of an occasional thing, so I'm posting about it in hopes that my promise on the Internet will make me keep my promise in real life. Maybe it'll work this time.
So it's back to healthy eating. No fried food, no pizza, no cakes or doughnuts, very little soda. More fruit and vegetables and whole grains. Back to the basics. With the constant attempt to stay between 1000 and 1200 calories a day, plus exercise.
Let's make this happen.

xo F

It's actually important that I follow my health regimen this time, because I'm entering "the real world" and training to make a career out of performing. In this cutthroat a  business I have to be at peak physical condition to stand a chance. So double the motivation, right?

Quick kid quips, so harsh and cynical

This is a quick post just to update the world on the past week or so of my life. I'm at college. What? Yes, college. Classes don't start until Monday but I moved in last Thursday in order to go to an honors camp. I dislike the outdoors so that was an experience but it ended up being fun thanks to our utterly ridiculous group. For example, in the "spirit competition," we didn't compete with your usual "GO [insert name of college here]" cheers. Rather our cheers included:

Snicker, snickers. Belly lickers. You wear knickers, you are stupid.

Bum, bum, here we come. Where you from? Sugar loaf town. What's your trade? LEMONADE.

Christmas, christmas, we mean business. We're gonna beat you, yes we are.

And ended with a lovely rendition of "Do you know the muffin man?" sung at the top of our lungs while galloping around a fire.
It was quite an event.
Beyond that, I returned to campus on Sunday and have been participating in generally useless activities with the freshman for the past two days, as well as increasingly freaking out over classes starting Monday.
And that's what you've missed in The Life of Fiona!

What has everyone been up to?

xo F

Also, ten points to anyone who can name the song the title lyrics are from!