What I'm Trying to Say

I'm about three weeks into college and while things are going alright, I'm in one of my mini-depressions that I can't seem to shake. What's sad is the contributing factors sound like such whiny teenage girl reasons, something I hate to emulate. Then again, the biggest problem is that I'm not a normal teenage girl. Now rest assured that I'm not confessing to you that I'm not human (at least not yet, anyway) or that I'm a superhero who is above other teenagers. I wish I was either of those options, but rather I'm just an odd little girl. I don't really click with my peer group. Never have, never will. And I enjoy being different most of the time, but in college it can be quite tiresome.
Number one, I don't look like everyone else. I look much younger and I don't have a face that is of a similar "beauty," at least not the beauty that people want in this day and age. I look more old school. My features are more classic, more quirk-ily placed. But most of all, I don't have the same style as everyone else. I dress oddly enough that people notice and the opinions on my fashion vary greatly.
Number two, the dating scene. I've only been asked out once, by a boy who was pretty much stalking me, so I don't really count it. Seeing as I've never been asked/never had a crush on anyone (besides famous British guys haha) I've never been on a date and never had my first kiss. This really wouldn't bother me except for two things: it makes shows where I'm supposed to be in love very awkward and forced and because everyone else my age has dated. As a perfectionist who wants to be the best at everything, it's very frustrating to know nothing of this dating world. It's also not helpful when professors and/or other students assume everyone in the class has dated. It makes you wonder why no one likes you. Are you ugly, fat, obnoxious, too smart, not smart enough, too weird? It's really quite annoying, seeing as I really don't need/want a boyfriend, but I'm still pulled into this cycle of self-doubt and depression.
Number three, being underestimated. More than anything, being underestimated frustrates me and ruins my self esteem. I'm not especially confident to begin with, but there are certain things I am aware of and proud of. For instance, I can dance. I am a dancer and I am a better dancer than many of the people at university with me, especially the musical theatre majors. I'm not trying to be cocky, it's just that due to my training and natural artistry, I can execute the moves better. There are other things I'm good at too, and I'm quickly becoming frustrated here because no one seems to recognize that I do have talent, I'm not a waste of space. I hear the upperclassmen saying nice things about my fellow freshman, Oh she's absolutely stunning, Oh she has the best voice, Wow she's an amazing dancer and they don't say a thing about me. Sometimes I just feel like I don't exist.
Number four, I'm not incredibly outgoing. I like to keep to myself at times. I'm not one for college parties. Give me a themed or costume party and I'll rock it out, but I don't drink, smoke or hook up, so at college parties all I do is watch everyone else do all those things. I also don't tend to like shows or activities that are popular. I much prefer to watch Doctor Who or read Harry Potter or the Hunger Games and contemplate the superb storylines and acting (if applicable) that they convey. Again, this all leads back to the fact that I'm not normal. I don't fit in.
Number five, I am self-concious to the zillionth degree. Right now I'm back in a state over my body. I have so much weight to lose and muscle to tone and the size of my stomach depresses me daily. But I don't want to slip back into eating disorder mode, nor do I want to give up dessert, so it's a never-ending battle between the two extremes. I count calories in my sleep now.
Number six, big city girl trapped in a small town. As soon as I graduate I am booking it to New York. Sooner if I could swing it. I need the big city life and I need to be surrounded by a diverse group of people. I've been fortunate enough to have a vast range of experiences throughout my life thus far, and through them I've met so many people and learned so much. But no one here knows that about me. They also don't know that I'm a pretty intelligent and academic person. They don't know how opinionated I am about so many things. But most of all, they don't seem to realize how much I know about the profession we're all aiming to go into. They don't understand the full scope of who and what is outside waiting for us once we graduate. You think you're good at what you do? Think again. There are a thousand+ people who are so much better. We all have to work our asses off if we want to hold a candle to them. And that doesn't only mean busting your butt in class, it means doing your research and staying in touch with the theatre world, finding obscure songs and shows, and doing whatever it takes outside of class and rehearsal to become the best that you can be.
I realize all that. And I'm hoping to take these four years to become undeniably amazing. I will succeed despite these six numbers (and the many more) that are bringing me down right now.
Still, sometimes you just have to sigh at your life and your emotions. And how foolish and self-obsessed you are. Guilty of it all.

And since I made you sit through that narcissistic post of my life, have a ridiculous picture of yours truly.

Skinny Love

I have a major issue with body image. I always have. And while I've never technically been anorexic for an extended period of time, I've thought about it and experimented with it on many an occasion.
Luckily I'm intelligent and lucid enough to realize that anorexia or any type of eating disorder isn't a solution, healthy eating is, so I go on health kicks a few times a year. Presently I'm in one such health kick, but I'm hoping to make it a habit instead of an occasional thing, so I'm posting about it in hopes that my promise on the Internet will make me keep my promise in real life. Maybe it'll work this time.
So it's back to healthy eating. No fried food, no pizza, no cakes or doughnuts, very little soda. More fruit and vegetables and whole grains. Back to the basics. With the constant attempt to stay between 1000 and 1200 calories a day, plus exercise.
Let's make this happen.

xo F

It's actually important that I follow my health regimen this time, because I'm entering "the real world" and training to make a career out of performing. In this cutthroat a  business I have to be at peak physical condition to stand a chance. So double the motivation, right?

Quick kid quips, so harsh and cynical

This is a quick post just to update the world on the past week or so of my life. I'm at college. What? Yes, college. Classes don't start until Monday but I moved in last Thursday in order to go to an honors camp. I dislike the outdoors so that was an experience but it ended up being fun thanks to our utterly ridiculous group. For example, in the "spirit competition," we didn't compete with your usual "GO [insert name of college here]" cheers. Rather our cheers included:

Snicker, snickers. Belly lickers. You wear knickers, you are stupid.

Bum, bum, here we come. Where you from? Sugar loaf town. What's your trade? LEMONADE.

Christmas, christmas, we mean business. We're gonna beat you, yes we are.

And ended with a lovely rendition of "Do you know the muffin man?" sung at the top of our lungs while galloping around a fire.
It was quite an event.
Beyond that, I returned to campus on Sunday and have been participating in generally useless activities with the freshman for the past two days, as well as increasingly freaking out over classes starting Monday.
And that's what you've missed in The Life of Fiona!

What has everyone been up to?

xo F

Also, ten points to anyone who can name the song the title lyrics are from!

Disease. It's No Big Deal.

One lesser known fact about me. I am sick.
Not just sick in the head, but chronic illness sick.

When I was 13 I was hospitalized and diagnosed with Crohn's disease. If you're a nerdfighter, you probably know that Hank Green has ulcerative colitis. Well my illness is very similar to his. Basically, Crohn's is a type of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) in which my intestines are inflamed (duh) with lesions that cause me pain when I digest food, if not properly treated. Crohn's also has other problems attached, like not getting half of the nutrients I would eat, my immune system not functioning properly and a higher risk of things like cancer and cataracts. On top of Crohn's, I also suffer from anemia and chronic migraines with aura (they kind of imitate mini strokes).

Looking at me now, you wouldn't know I have all these problems, and people are always surprised to find out about them. And while it's not a big deal to me, times like today just make me laugh at my life.
Today I went to the adult GI (gastroenterology) clinic for the first time. I've been going to the pediatric clinic for five years, so it was a change. This of course meant I had to fill out a ton of paperwork and answer a bunch of questions for the nurses. For one I had to go through my list of medications and she was just so confused by the fact that I've been on 10+ types. Then my new doctor suggested I have a colonoscopy over winter break just to check that my current meds have me in remission. So as another nurse was filling out the prescription for that, he started to tell me, "Now this is probably your first colonoscopy, so..."  Yeah, I had to stop him because I've already had 3 colonoscopies and an endoscopy. I just found it so funny how surprised these nurses and doctors were that someone my age had all this experience with Crohn's. I guess they aren't used to that!

I also found myself oddly proud of how sick I've been in the past, which shows that I really am sick in the head too.

xoxo F

Artists and Nerds: The Dynamic Duo

Well, it looks as if I'm participating in VEDA this year. I assume the people who read this blog know what that is but if perchance you do not, I won't leave you out of the loop. VEDA stands for Vlog Every Day in August (or April, but it's sadly not Spring at the moment). Essentially I make a video a day for a month, along with several wonderful Final Battle friends (previously mentioned in the LeakyCon post). Yet randomly making a video about my day would provide little to no entertainment for the world, so I am theming my videos about How To Be An Artist. HTBAA is a poster by SARK that outlines some guidelines on how one might unleash their creativity and call themselves an artist. We'll see if those guidelines work by the end of the month!

That said, I'm kind of accompanying my vlogs with blogs about the guidelines on my other blog: http://lostartofsecretkeeping.blogspot.com/
If you'd like to see any of those posts/the photos that usually occur alongside the videos, I encourage you to follow.



In other news, I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 for the second time last week. The movie was lovely but not the same with Muggles. Not even nerdy Muggles =(

Speaking of nerdy, I would like to point out that nerdiness tends to be genetic, as is proven by the below photo. The shirt I am wearing, which features a nerdtastic pick-up line, belonged to my father when he was a science major in college.

And that is all I have to report for the moment. Except for the fact that I go to college in just over two weeks o.O

Welcome to the Fandom

I've always considered myself a Harry Potter fan, ever since my introduction to the books around first grade by my neighbors across the street. No stranger to magic, I simply switched from fairies to witches. As I read and became more involved in the series, I found myself casting spells and adopting a Hermione Granger-like composure - believable enough as I was a "gifted and talented" nerd doing classwork from grades ahead of me - to the point of dressing up as her for Halloween in third grade (a picture of which I have somewhere and if I find it, will certainly post). Even though I was one of the first of my classmates to know anything about the series, Harry Potter soon became common knowledge and a bonding subject. Yet the majority of my peers and friends never seemed quite as invested as I was. Which brings me to now. But before I proceed, some further background information:

I'm a really lucky kid. I've never been outright bullied. I've been teased a bit, particularly in the third grade but after looking back at photos, I probably deserved it because my fashion choices at that time were horrific. We're talking high-water jeans, fuzzy shirts or polyester halter tops, huge purple sweatshirts with bears on them and bandanas to complete the look. Not exactly vogue. But aside from that tangent, I've always been reasonably well-liked, perhaps because I was book-smart enough to help people with their homework or nice enough to avoid enemies or just odd enough for no one to consider me a threat. That said I almost always felt like an outcast (and still do sometimes to be honest). Even if I had friends who liked me and activities that I loved, I never fit in. And this brings me back on track. Harry Potter was there through it all. The fifth book came, Luna Lovegood was introduced and I never looked back.

I've also always been a fan by myself. I never went to midnight book releases or movie premieres (generally because the 'rents didn't want me out that late) and I knew nothing about the fandom until this past year. However, this doesn't mean I wasn't as hardcore of a fan. When Deathly Hallows came out I holed myself up in my dog's crate and refused to sleep or emerge for food until I'd finished. I read the series again and again. I cried at the sad parts, laughed at the happy parts and became emotionally attached to each character. Yet for some reason I didn't "belong" in the immediate fandom because I didn't go to the premieres. I wasn't "allowed" to be Luna because my hair wasn't blonde enough (although she is technically described as having dirty blonde hair in the books, so there) and I couldn't be Hermione because I was too odd to be as practical as she was supposed to be and because, let's face it, everyone always wanted to be Hermione. In other words, I was still an outcast in what should have been a home.
Still I've always had other interests. I'm a pretty flighty person in that I need many things to hold my attention yet at the same time I'm passionate about all of them. Another one of these interests was musical theatre. Therefore, last year after I finally came across the gigantic, enormous, world-spanning Harry Potter fandom that the Internet and YouTube holds, I just happened to find a video encouraging people to audition for The Final Battle days before auditions closed. It being Winter Break and me being really freaking bored figured, "hey. I might as well take a chance and audition." So I recorded my (horrible quality) audition on Christmas Eve and sent it in for the hell of it. Surprise, surprise I got in. Which took me from being a bystander to this fandom of people far cooler than me to right smack dab in the middle of it all. And that's where this story really begins.

LeakyCon 2011. My official introduction to the Harry Potter fandom.

Since I went so in depth with my backstory, I won't plague you with a minute by minute report of my time at LeakyCon but I will detail some of the highlights.*

Wednesday:
TFB rehearsal. I was beyond nervous to meet the cast and crew and absolutely terrified that people wouldn't like me or my portrayal of Luna, but I had no reason to fear. Everyone was nice and welcoming and THERE WERE DINOSAURS TO BE COLORED WITH GLITTER CRAYONS!!! This of course made everything better. 
Opening festivities were a blast. It was seriously unreal for fandom-famous people who I'd only seen on my computer screen come to life. And that proposal onstage? Adorable!
Open at the Close. My first time ever at the WWoHP was brilliant. From Londa and I embarrasing ourselves in front of AJ Holmes to Rachel and Richie's hilarious Southern impressions to the Forbidden Journey where we ran through line dueling and all took pictures with our heads stuck in the pensieve, it was the best way imaginable to visit Hogwarts.

Thursday:
6am rehearsals are no fun. They just aren't. But waiting in line for movie tickets with the cast IS surprisingly enjoyable. Wait, what? LineCon can actually be fun? Apparently so when you're surrounded with awesome people like the TFB cast.
Saw Finding Hogwarts, Potions Master's Corner and Potter Puppet Pals (ahhh the classics. Mysterious Ticking Noise used to be my ringtone) before a second TFB rehearsal. Then onto the movie...
Deathly Hallows Part 2. The experience cannot be adequately described. Still, seeing that movie with a theatre-full of serious HP fans made up for all the midnight releases and premieres I'd missed prior. The emotion in the theatre was astounding and I felt I could release my emotions (mainly in the form of ugly sobs and whimpers of "nooooo") without restraint because I knew Madeline and Shauna (who were on either side of me, holding my hands at parts of the movie and convulsing in sobs as ugly as mine for the rest) and everyone else seeing the film wouldn't judge me (except for those rude-ass people saying "shhhhh." Guys, I was cuh-rying, don't interrupt me). Alan Rickman was amazing...post about The Prince's Tale to come. Matthew Lewis was a badass Neville <3 and obviously Voldemort and Draco are awkward as hell.
Wizard Rock. Oh my, my first wizard rock show ever and The Remus Lupins last ever. It was an experience for sure.

Friday:
The Final Battle. It's the day of the show, y'all. And it was ever so fun besides my flub during my solo (always happens to me -.- ). But really, thank you SO MUCH to the cast, crew and creators of the show, it was a phenomenal experience and I love you all so so so very much!
Pottermore is going to suck up all my time on the Internet. I'm terrified about what house I'll be sorted into but very excited beyond that.
Nerdfighter Gathering. Again, a first. Kinda long for someone as exhausted as I was but Hank Green is very entertaining!
MY BODY IS READY. That was a badass conversation. So much laughing over that infamous screencap with Katie, J.P., Richie, Rachel and Sequoia!
More Wizard Rock, some spying on Evanna Lynch and Scarlett and some purchasing of merchandise. Yet I missed Evanna playing bass during Harry and the Potters *cries*.

Saturday:
The Warlock's Hairy Heart was amazing!! I was so impressed by everyone's performances and with so little rehearsal. Madeline and I are now desperate to cover Trust This Man.
Starkid. First time seeing them in action was very cool though Starkid fans really freak me out. At least I got to sit in front of Lauren Lopez (totally my idol) for the picture!
The Potter Kids were adorable. I hadn't realized they were so young! Loved the Q&A with everyone. Also I love Evanna. End of story.
I got to have dinner and hang out with four fab girls I met that week: Madeline, Shauna, Sarah and Kelly <3  I love you all!
And while I'm addressing more specific groups of people, it was awesome to meet The Hogwarts Sextet (Sunny, Rachel, J.P. and Cole...oh, and Thomas whenever he shows up haha) in person and I am so glad that we are continuing the channel!!
The Yule Ball or technically The Esther Earl Rocking Charity Ball was the most fun I have ever had at a dance. School dances and parties only ever seem to allow for grinding or fist-pumping and I am not a fan of either of those moves. But wizard parties are not like that at all. We accept any and all dance moves, especially way old school or cheesy moves like the twist, sprinkler and swim. I probably danced in every style possible to every genre from every time period of Muggle music and I certainly had the best time of my life doing so. Highlight songs: Everytime We Touch (shoutout to my friends in KY), Pokemon theme song, Ghostbusters (in which we yelled "HARRY POTTER" after "Who ya gonna call?" - utter brilliance TFB cast, utter brilliance) and Total Eclipse of the Heart x3.

Sunday: was goodbye. I'd rather pretend that didn't happen and that I'm still at LeakyCon. Let me stay in this alternate reality for a bit, because I really don't want to continue to face Post-Final Battle/Leaky/Potter Depression.**



MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS POST. As interesting and delightful as LeakyCon was, the best thing about it was the introduction to the fandom and all of its wonderful people. It's a place where you can be whoever you truly are and you're accepted and embraced for being true to yourself. It's a place where because of the interest we share in this one amazing series (Thank you JK Rowling) you can instantly click with other people and become lifelong friends. And most importantly it's a place where imagination is valued, magic is real and love will prevail. So keep on partying for ever because this day will never end. I love all of you and thank you so much for making LeakyCon such a beautiful experience and for welcoming me into the fandom <3



One last highlight that I must share. Snape and I had a staring while walking quickly contest and I WON! Luna prevails, bitches. Can I add that to special skills or accomplishments on my resume? Seriously though.

*Ok, just kidding. This is still pretty long. My bad.
**This is a legitimate illness and can be life-threatening if contact is not maintained with Harry Potter friends. So if you don't want to watch me wither away and die, be at The Final Circus in 5 years. Thanks =D


Geez I'm a sentimental child. Regular posting resumes sometime.

Ramblings

So I edited down this blog quite a bit. I'm sick of rules and defining my life with them, so there are now no rules. I'm also sick of being a negative person, so I'm going to embrace the "would-be fairy" within and keep it positive! *sings* Anyone get that Legally Blonde the Musical reference?! No? Oh, okay.

Rambling, rambling, rambling.

Oh, I now have a second blog: The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets. I've decided to keep that one more artsy and vintage. Not a place for personal ramblings.
So in other words, on that blog I will attempt to be an eloquent eccentric whereas if you are reading this, expect unedited glimpses of my personal life and obsessions. That means nerdiness and naivety out the wazoo. Which is an odd expression. What is a wazoo? Anyone?
Also expect tangents like the one above.
Basically, expect nothing besides insight into one crazy child's brain. Nothing unusual, nothing philosophical. Just me. Outlining my life to the web. Always a wise idea.
Wait, you can expect sarcasm. That's a given.