Number one, I don't look like everyone else. I look much younger and I don't have a face that is of a similar "beauty," at least not the beauty that people want in this day and age. I look more old school. My features are more classic, more quirk-ily placed. But most of all, I don't have the same style as everyone else. I dress oddly enough that people notice and the opinions on my fashion vary greatly.
Number two, the dating scene. I've only been asked out once, by a boy who was pretty much stalking me, so I don't really count it. Seeing as I've never been asked/never had a crush on anyone (besides famous British guys haha) I've never been on a date and never had my first kiss. This really wouldn't bother me except for two things: it makes shows where I'm supposed to be in love very awkward and forced and because everyone else my age has dated. As a perfectionist who wants to be the best at everything, it's very frustrating to know nothing of this dating world. It's also not helpful when professors and/or other students assume everyone in the class has dated. It makes you wonder why no one likes you. Are you ugly, fat, obnoxious, too smart, not smart enough, too weird? It's really quite annoying, seeing as I really don't need/want a boyfriend, but I'm still pulled into this cycle of self-doubt and depression.
Number three, being underestimated. More than anything, being underestimated frustrates me and ruins my self esteem. I'm not especially confident to begin with, but there are certain things I am aware of and proud of. For instance, I can dance. I am a dancer and I am a better dancer than many of the people at university with me, especially the musical theatre majors. I'm not trying to be cocky, it's just that due to my training and natural artistry, I can execute the moves better. There are other things I'm good at too, and I'm quickly becoming frustrated here because no one seems to recognize that I do have talent, I'm not a waste of space. I hear the upperclassmen saying nice things about my fellow freshman, Oh she's absolutely stunning, Oh she has the best voice, Wow she's an amazing dancer and they don't say a thing about me. Sometimes I just feel like I don't exist.
Number four, I'm not incredibly outgoing. I like to keep to myself at times. I'm not one for college parties. Give me a themed or costume party and I'll rock it out, but I don't drink, smoke or hook up, so at college parties all I do is watch everyone else do all those things. I also don't tend to like shows or activities that are popular. I much prefer to watch Doctor Who or read Harry Potter or the Hunger Games and contemplate the superb storylines and acting (if applicable) that they convey. Again, this all leads back to the fact that I'm not normal. I don't fit in.
Number five, I am self-concious to the zillionth degree. Right now I'm back in a state over my body. I have so much weight to lose and muscle to tone and the size of my stomach depresses me daily. But I don't want to slip back into eating disorder mode, nor do I want to give up dessert, so it's a never-ending battle between the two extremes. I count calories in my sleep now.
Number six, big city girl trapped in a small town. As soon as I graduate I am booking it to New York. Sooner if I could swing it. I need the big city life and I need to be surrounded by a diverse group of people. I've been fortunate enough to have a vast range of experiences throughout my life thus far, and through them I've met so many people and learned so much. But no one here knows that about me. They also don't know that I'm a pretty intelligent and academic person. They don't know how opinionated I am about so many things. But most of all, they don't seem to realize how much I know about the profession we're all aiming to go into. They don't understand the full scope of who and what is outside waiting for us once we graduate. You think you're good at what you do? Think again. There are a thousand+ people who are so much better. We all have to work our asses off if we want to hold a candle to them. And that doesn't only mean busting your butt in class, it means doing your research and staying in touch with the theatre world, finding obscure songs and shows, and doing whatever it takes outside of class and rehearsal to become the best that you can be.
I realize all that. And I'm hoping to take these four years to become undeniably amazing. I will succeed despite these six numbers (and the many more) that are bringing me down right now.
Still, sometimes you just have to sigh at your life and your emotions. And how foolish and self-obsessed you are. Guilty of it all.
And since I made you sit through that narcissistic post of my life, have a ridiculous picture of yours truly.
I adore you. I hope you know that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you're beautiful, and fantastically talented. And don't let any of the upperclassmen get you down about it. Because honestly? None of them know what the eff is going on. None of us do. It's all a facade. So just stick it out, keep your head down, do your work, and you're gonna leave that place with more tools and confidence than any of them!
Btw, when you book it to NYC, I'll be waiting there with a room in an apartment for you. Just letting you know <3